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Fate Craps on Me From A Great Height

IR Baboon The week starting Monday the 11th June 2000 really sucked big wind! As a result I thought I’d share this and subsequent bad luck with you lot, if only to give me somewhere to rant and rave...

I’m sorry but I just had to moan to even more people about the bad luck that has plagued me throughout my life. And less entertainingly for you lot; to crow about the good things!

1st May 2005

Some thieving bastard has run off with my wheely bin, and now I have to pay for a new one! It turns out it was either the woman from number 147, or someone that felt the urge to steal my bin, hide it for two weeks then fill it with rubbish from number 147 including several bit of their mail, then leave it outside the same house, just 5m from the back of mine on bin day!

0 points for intelligence, 0 points for social responsibility, 100 points for being a total tosser!

9th Mar 2004

Some thieving bastard with a tattooed face is almost apprehended stealing my entire greenhouse from my allotment at 7 in the morning, sadly a single woman without a mobile (or an axe!) is no match for an insistent muscle bound idiot scum bag, and by the time the police arrived the low life scum is, like my greenhouse, nowhere to be seen. Makes you want to run for election on a "hang all thieves, on a first offence" manifesto!

22nd Feb 2004

Horribly broken SPG

Some little toe-rags break into my shed at the allotment, which is infuriating enough, but just to add icing to the cake they wedge my Calor Gaz stove in the rafters and light it. fortunately for me it was so low in gas, the it went out before the shed caught fire, but it was a close run thing.

And I’m really unimpressed with the pad lock, jimmied open by teenagers (probably) this thing cost about £15 yet seemed to provide no protection whatsoever, well it the last "Master" lock I ever buy, it was sodding useless! worth more like 50p than its asking price.

10th November 2003

Broken padlock

The gauge I won sat on a shelf (in its original packaging) for almost two years, but having finally remembered I owned this, and having yet again had the usual depressing call with the airline over their feeble 20Kg luggage alownaces I finally got round to replacing my nice hefty 3 gauge console with my shiny (almost) new lightweight SPG. I even had the whole regulator rig serviced before popping of to Dahab for a week of diving.

The sodding thing flooded on its first dive (which was only 18m deep!).

Thankfully Poseidon were able to strip the thing drain it, rinse it and bodge it back together with the aid of a bucket load of sillica gel and a couple of cable ties. A fix which survived the next 7 dives.
I await Northern Divers response to my impending "Mr Angry" letter.

Me with that bloke from "The Bill"

Sunday 14th October 2001

Ahh, a good thing. The 2001 Dive Show at the NEC Birmingham.

Other than spending a fortune on stuff I really shouldn’t, I did get a first class bit of dive luggage and won a SPG in a tombola at Northen Diver’s stand, hence the photo of me with that bloke from TV’s "The Bill".

That said, The blurb on ND’s stand said "Have your photo taken with PC XXXX" and as I have never watched a complete episode of "The Bill" I was under the impression this fella was a real police diver, it was only later when people saw the photo that my error was pointed out to me :-)

December 2000

Some thieving bastard breaks into my shed and pinched a garden hoover and an inspection lamp. BASTARD.

Burn them for fuel I say!

Tuesday 22nd August 2000

Great, get back from holiday in Egypt only to go down with the worst case of explosive diarrhoea in known history. You would think that if you got through two weeks in Egypt without a single stomach upset, that you’d be safe back in the UK wouldn’t you? Ho hum.

8th August 2000

Bloody marvelous my nice new shiny BCD self destructs in 10m of water on its second dive. Cost me half a days diving (this was an aborted drift) and rental costs for the rest of the two weeks for a dive centre BCD.

Wednesday 13th June 2000

Some bastard tried to break into my car again, shattering the rear quarter light and damaging the rubber seal and its mounting post. £56.40 to repair, no change of catching the toe-rag. I’m fuming.

Burn them for fuel I say!

Wednesday 13th June 2000

We were roused from bed by the dog barking his head off at about midnight. Why was he barking? The bloody back fence was alight! Some fucker had only gone and set fire to my wheely-bin, which had melted and set the back fence alight.
Thanks are due, by the way, to my neighbours on both sides who also noticed and helped put the blaze out before all our houses went up!
Damage? One wheely-bin (the bloody council want £23 to replace it, even though it was destroyed by a criminal third party!) £16 for the timber for the fence, £8 for the melted panes on my greenhouse, and a whole day’s pissing about cleaning up the mess and fixing the greenhouse and fence.
Not a fortune, but enough for a good piss-up (Yanks:that’s english for getting very drunk) not to mention a wasted day. Grrrr.

I am not a happy bunny :-(

Tuesday 12th June 2000

At last a good thing, my lovely new diving gear arrived. Hurrah, looked an idiot at work as Graeme brought his tank in so I could give the regs a quick "do they work?" session in the office. Oh the joy of a new toy...

Monday 11th June 2000

Mock up of the stiches

I cycle home from work only to end up in casualty for 2 hours waiting to be fixed.
Now in this country (England) we drive on the left side of the road. So when meeting someone coming your way on a narrow bit of road what do you do? your supposed to slow down a bit and bear left. What did the idiot I met on cycle path Monday night do? The stupid bastard went right (he was English BTW) resulting in a literal head on crash that totalled the front wheel of my bike and resulted in 7 stitches to my forehead.

OK so it’s a faked photo, I wasn’t feeling very alert, or photogenic at the time. So in time honoured Sunday Sport stylee I have doctored an image to provide you with an artist’s impression...